"Portal to the Temple of Light"
A tough realization about me….
Would you like to know my
secret?
Walls down, curtain up, here
we go:
I had a pretty big meltdown
yesterday.
It had actually started to ‘brew’
in me a couple of weeks ago when I thought about generosity of spirit and the
question "if the person sitting next to you won $10,000,000 in a lottery,
would you be happy for them?"
Here is the big secret: My
answer was ‘not really’ which is ‘no’! Aarrrgh! I have been trying to hide this
from everybody AND from myself. When I heard about somebody else’s success and
breakthrough, and it could be anybody, I would not go into a ‘happy-dance’ for
them! I would have thoughts like “And why not me?” There is my lack of
generosity, and there is something else: I would judge me so dynamically for
not having created that breakthrough, for not having created that success! I
would use the amazingness somebody else created as a reason to judge me! And
then, judge me more for judging them! It’s a creepy energy of a loop I have had
running all my life. I would use anything and everything and anybody (any
body!) against me and my creations. In any lifetime! For trillions of years!
Wow!
It is like a self-imposed ‘prison
of judgment’ that I have set up for me here on Earth. My mind has been really
good at this. I would also use whatever I liked and enjoyed! Let’s say I liked
something, like running, painting, singing, money. I would create it to a
certain degree and then stop. What was this? I know something totally different
is possible. So much more was possible, I managed, though, to stop the flow,
not going running, not singing, not doing what I enjoyed. And then, I beat
myself up for not creating what I knew was possible.
What a vicious loop of some
sort of a ‘program for stopping creation’! What have I been creating here on
the planet, for the planet?
It’s as if ‘when somebody
else creates it then I cannot create it!’ This is total insanity! A) I could
not create it for what reason? B) Would I even be and create like everybody
else? Could an infinite being EVER be exactly like another infinite being? If I
judge me for not being and creating what somebody else is being and creating, where
does judgment ever stop? With that many people currently on the planet, with
that ‘program’ running, would I have a billion reasons and justifications for
judging me, every second? And, if me judging me destroys not only me but the
planet, what have I been creating?
I’m shouting it from the
rooftop here! I am so stupid with judging me! I know it, and I’m ok with it!
Now,
what else can I choose?
I
choose not to judge me again!
It is not pleasant to have
this break open. It’s like an old wound that I had plastered with cement.
It broke open. I am vulnerable and ‘exposed’.
Now, you know my secret.
Bits and pieces of what used
to be me are flying around, in a wild “Phoenix Dance With Ashes”. I’ve no
idea what’s next. What is next? What else is possible now?
What have you been trying to
hide about yourself that if you would acknowledge would give you the space to
make a different choice?
