Does it matter where I have been, when, what and how?

 "Red Cloud Space" by Bettina, 2015

Home. The infinite space of being. There is an ease, allowance and gratitude coming in and going out, breathless space of lungs, beatless space of heart, immensely intense colors and the joy of timeless motion in the dance with, in and as each molecule that has touched the kindness of your being...

Prison of self gone and melted in the sun-infused sky between the worlds... Possibility palpable on the tip of each cell of my being... a song I knew was possible... extended motion from within and without.... fabrics torn and mended beyond time... kindness and joy, golden threads in my pounding heart that cannot remember any more in the blazing moondance of sunlit branches, the song of a different scale... spaces between the overtones, microscopic movement in the eventless void of infinite joy... 

Does it matter where I have been, when, what and how? No. No more. I know now. I be now. And what world and reality do I choose from here?

Bluntly honest

I just had a moment of 'bluntly honest' with myself... and I share this here.

I have to admit that I have been lying to myself. I always thought that I was willing to have money. I just found out that I was NOT willing to have money. Instead, I have been using money to control me and to control my 'degree of happiness' with money/no money.

What did 'being money' even mean?

I have been sliding back and forth on that polarity ride of money/no money and my points of view about that. And all that is not even real. It's all lies. And it's not my reality. I have been sliding back and forth in somebody else's reality, this reality and trying to create change there for me. And I have been wondering what I was choosing that always created these extremes of money/no or little money?

Can I change somebody else's reality? NO! Can I create any truth with a lie and from a lie? NO! 

Could I be money? No. Could I be control? No. I have been using control to abuse me. Sort of the 'power over' type of control. I'm changing this. I am choosing my reality. 

So, I asked today to show me the space of Bettina, without all the points of view that I had ever bought and entrained to. Instantaneously, it showed up as such ease and joy with everything, like a spring breeze. I am choosing that. THAT is my reality. Ease and space, effortlessness and happiness, gratitude and allowance, kindness and infinite possibility, IS my reality. 

What energy, space and consciousness can my body and I be to be that spring-breeze-space of me for all eternity with total ease?

Communion and Oneness – Being Present

"Tree Being", 2015, by Bettina

Watercolor on paper

Have you had a moment in nature, whether with an animal, a flower, a dew drop, the wind, a mountain or any other nature being that changed you, that lifted you out of the ‘ordinary’ and into the miraculous presence of being?

I remember, years back, was it in 2008? I was in Maui, for the first time in this lifetime in an Hawaiian island.  The tropical beauty, the wild, untamed nature of the Pacific Ocean, a flora and fauna that I hadn’t seen before. I was running alongside the ocean on a high cliff road. From up there, I would hear whale song. During the two weeks of my stay, I had gotten so used to seeing them jump. It was my last day on the island, a clear blue-sky morning with a slight breeze from the ocean. My body enjoying the run, I silently communicated with the whales and asked them to jump for me one more time. Barely having finished the thought, a huge humpback whale emerged from the water, jumped up high and landed full length with a big splash on the surface. I stopped and watched him, tears of joy running down my cheeks. Yes! Thank you, my friend! I was one with his power and strength, and his enthusiasm of life.

I just came back from Costa Rica. Another beautiful, tropical, volcanic place on the planet. We went hiking in a Nature Preserve one day. Our guide led us to an area with the name "Spirit Trees". A better expression would be ‘a space’, as there was a presence. I saw the gigantic trees from afar, and I got really excited about seeing them from close-up. I started taking pictures of the north side of the main tree, already fascinated by the shadow side of this huge being with long, mossy ‘beards’ growing from it's branches swaying in the breeze. Our guide motioned me to come to the other side, the sunny side. Reluctantly, I stopped my camera, slightly annoyed about the interruption. I walked through the grasses to where our guide stood and there, I turned around. In the moment I faced the tree from the South side, I got ‘hit’ in my heart with such gentle power that I briefly stopped breathing and started crying with tears of joy. 

I sensed right away that the tree was giving me a gift that opened my heart and destroyed and uncreated millennia of limitations and separations, disappointments and crushed dreams. My mouth open, I stood there for the longest moment in no-time, receiving what was gifted to me in long waves of acoustic energy and transformation. I expanded, and my body breathed deeper than ever before. A connection was established that day, with the kindness of the tree being. My impulsive, enthousiastic thought was that I had to go back there and spend as much time as I could with the tree. Funny. As it turned out, there was no rush. There was no need. There was no 'time' involved. In the many nights that followed, I bi-located there with ease while my body rested in bed, I received more transmissions, and to the day, the connection has been uninterrupted. 

Like acoustical veins weaving me into the web of life. I am so grateful for this precious and miraculous gift. How did I get so lucky? The Tree Being has changed me. We have been in regular communication ever since. I was being prepared for what followed yet some time later that required an unusual strength of my heart, not only physically. Three weeks after my encounter with the tree, my body needed to rest in bed from what seemed to be flu symptoms. My questions brought me the awareness of this ‘flu’ being something different, some adjustment and transformation. During several feverish nights, my heart was beating with such vigilance and strength that I wondered whether it was strong enough to receive all this change. I was in the tree, while at the same time, the tree was in my room. We had a direct heart connection. 

Like an ancient healer, the tree held me, sang for me, talked to me in silent motion, while my ears sang and my heart danced in wild swirls to a new drum beat. I received so much, more than I have ever allowed myself to receive. Walls down, bare, open and vulnerable I laid in the clear night sky mountain house bed. My choice was calm and clear. I chose to stay. Not knowing how it would all unfold, what the path was and where my journey would go, I chose no matter what, to stay and continue. A choice that had seemed strenuous and complicated before was now possible to choose with ease and no point of view. 

With the strength of my Tree Friend who I know has my back, I be … no matter what and no matter how, where, when and why .... Bettina. 

"Tree Being" was painted in honor and celebration of my tall, old and wise friend who has been telling tales of sorrow, separation, courage and phenomenally present space of being, a symphony of infinite possibility I sing now in each and every molecule of my body and being.

A Painting Painted From the Future?

"Volcano" by Bettina

So often, we don’t grasp what our creations are about, until later sometime in the future….. As things unfold, my painting titled “Volcano” gets to have another dimension yet , more than I could possibly imagine at the moment of creation….. I wonder, did I paint it from the future?

Painted before we left for Costa Rica, out of the blue, working through my resistance of it as I had decided and concluded that I didn’t want to paint a landscape (whatever that was about), it came into being, from running water, splashing inks and pouring paints.

I painted it vertically, supposedly abstract. The painting had it’s own plans, and I couldn’t move it forward until I turned it horizontally and applied more colors and creating shape, until late in the night when colors are not discernable clearly any more and intuition does the mix.

Out of that process, “Volcano” came into being. I looked at the finished painting, and I thought “This looks like Costa Rica!” I have experienced it many times before, this process of painting in and with the energy of a place weeks before I would go there.  So, here “Volcano” told me about changes and transformation, things falling apart to be put together again in a new way. It carried the energies of ‘dramatic ‘ earth changes, and at the same time, there was no drama but such a peace and allowance of all of that.  The hills were going to continue rolling, the trees would be dancing in the breeze, birds would continue singing and the earth breathing and being. Fireworks painted onto the sky, in anticipation of an elemental celebration.

I knew I was entering a portal of transformation that I had opened a long time ago, for just right now to step through. The trip began.

Costa Rica has been, for me, a place for big changes, not the little changes. Those changes that challenge you to the bones and have you walk a narrow path between the choice to stay and the choice to go. In the end, it’s all just a choice. Challenging what I thought was real that wasn’t, held significant that wasn’t, realizing the lies of this reality and then the question “Ok, so what now?”

Well, it is 2015. I am in Costa Rica. My plans were to paint, sing, offer energy work and be a contribution to this space here in any way, shape or form.  And, yes, things usually don’t look the way you think. Ever noticed?

And my body had it’s own point of view too.

A flue/cold grounded me for about 7 days shortly after arriving here.

Patiently, I gave my body the time to rest and release. The releasing, shifting and changing has been going on all these months of my stay here. The mountain seems to be contributing to this too. Heart palpitations, at times head aches, sadness welling up from pockets in my universe that I hadn’t been aware before. There was a sense of ‘nothingness’ and ‘uselessness’ rising within me, power dwelling up from depth that I hadn’t been aware before.

Powers that I wasn’t aware before having made me wonder…. Earth was constantly asking for my energetic contributions which I very happily gave, to the point that I put that trickle onto an automatic transfusion system from my body to the planet.

This nothingness, this quiet, like the quiet before a storm….. “What was that?” Asking more questions revealed that there was nothing that I could do about it other than just be with it!

A week ago, I got sick again, with high fever. While lying in bed, I got a sense of urgency, a heating up of things. I said to my partner “It’s heating up!” while my feet where burning! I couldn’t remember having had that kind of a burning sensation before, it was so different … more like a ‘fire-walk’. I asked my body what that was and what it required. And again, I got that there was only being with it and staying in bed. My body was asking for my allowance and patience. In one feverish night, Earth Being showed up and she held my feet, asking me to please receive what she desired to gift to me. I started weeping! How much did I care for the planet? So much that I was so busy with gifting to her and forgot about receiving from her. I broke open, and the fever expanded into a pulsating heartbeat. The earth walk was heating up, and fiery elements were dancing around me. The choice. Yes, choice. When had I ever chosen for me? What was I choosing now? Going or staying? I chose to stay. “I don’t know how this is going to be, what the walk will be, where it will take me, I have no idea, but I’m staying! I am here, now! I am choosing to be aware and present!” She smiled, and her old face gently lit up from the tears falling from her kind eyes. Tree being was there too, big roots reaching into the earth. Oh yes, the trees! I love trees, and they have had their place in my life, all lives. Heart beating in no-motion, still and strong, present and graceful. What being space of communion trees are!

She was there at my feet all night, and I sensed every molecule of my body and being spinning and speeding up, my heart in a wild dance, my body sweating.  ‘Will my body be strong enough for this?’ And there was a wild ‘Yes!’. So I expanded into space, out and out and out, singing with the molecules and the space and the motion and the laughter and the tears.  

Next morning, I had the clear awareness that one of the volcanoes was going to go off, here in Costa Rica. Earth is heating up, the elements are cooking and boiling, changing, transforming, laughing in an ancient dance.  More questions created awareness around my stay. Do I stay, do I leave, what will each choice create? Staying for now was what came to me. Whatever my contribution was and will be here, would I ever find out? My knowing told me that there was a contribution in my being here and my body being here with me.

Three days later, still recuperating, I could almost not make it out of my bed. I was nauseous and made it to the bathroom last minute… After that cleanse, I felt relieved. Later that day, I heard on the news that Turrialba, one of Costa Rica’s 12 volcanoes, had erupted big time that  same day, with ashes and smoke covering the capital city San Jose and the surrounding province, which led to the airport closing for 24 hours.

And I looked at my painting, and I wondered “What did I know that I hadn’t acknowledged that I knew?” And “How much more aware can I be from here?” The discomfort I had at home when thinking about going to Costa Rica, the knowing and the choice to go because that was what created more for the future. Discomfort? Yes. Is discomfort wrong? No. It just is. Is it awareness? Yes. What if discomfort is an intensity of awareness that shows us the beyond-of-limitations-space?

So, I wonder, what is my awareness telling me from here?

Do you use and choose wrongness as the perfect way of stopping you?

“High Priestess Moon Being” by Bettina
molecules in space, photography and space of creation 

 

In the past, whenever I couldn’t create something that I wanted to create, I would make me wrong, dynamically. I’ll give you a very recent example: I applied for being a resident artist for two months at a hotel in Costa Rica. The space is beautiful, surrounded by nature! And I wondered what I would and could be creating there. I saw it and felt it. “What else is possible here?”, I wondered.

Within a week after applying, I received a reply from their art consultant. She said my art was beautiful but didn’t fit into their concept. Furthermore, my art was not contemporary but modern, and they would only choose contemporary artists. Wow! So interesting! So, was I dead now? I always thought contemporary art was done by artists that are alive and create at present. Oh, well, all these labels are limitations, yes? She basically tried to find an ‘intelligent’ way to say no.

But I don’t want to go into labels and definitions here. That would be for another article.

What I would like to talk about here, and this is why I brought up this example, is how I would react to this. In the past, I would have made me and my paintings totally wrong. Based on the idea of “If I only painted the right thing, the right way, then, I would be accepted, collected, appreciated, in demand, successful” and so forth. So, what I would then basically choose was that I was wrong and that what I created was wrong, and therefore I couldn’t be and create what I wanted to be and create….

I would so define and confine myself in my wrongness that the cage around me (and my paintings) would get tighter and tighter. For a brief moment, I got the sensation again that my body showed me when I chose that. A tightness in my chest and throat and anger creeping up everywhere! I would literally stop creation! I would freeze in my wrongness. And as I would see wrongness only, I would also not see anything that went beyond it.  I had created a limitation that would make sure that I would only see wrongness and never go beyond it. A perfect way to keep me from being. How much creation was possible in that place? Not much! How much was I banging my head against the wall (that I had set up)? Constantly!

Gary Douglas says that every judgment creates the limitation that we cannot overcome, and that we cannot perceive anything that doesn’t match that judgment. What this means is, when we choose to make ourselves wrong, which is judgment, then we cannot see anything else but that wrongness.

That is totally debilitating, destructive and sabotaging unconsciousness.

I had just participated in an amazing telecall series facilitated by Gary Douglas, called “Deal and Deliver For YourLife – Changing Reactions to Actions”, and this class was filled with amazing tools!

Now, can you see that I always went into reaction whenever I couldn’t create what I wanted to create? I would have reacted to the art consultant’s decision of not accepting me, by making me wrong and making my paintings wrong. And, at the same time, I would even make her point of view right and real and defend against it.

In the teleclass, Gary Douglas said “If I can’t get something the way I wanted, I work my ass off to get something greater!” and he would also ask “What greater thing can I choose and create here?”

So, instead of choosing wrongness and victim, we can choose greater! Wow! This tool opened my universe! Instead of shrinking and stopping myself, what greater can I create? This created such an ease and kindness in my universe and also in my body!

What if instead of choosing wrongness we choose being? How much of this rejection/non acceptance have I actually created from my point of view? Our points of view create our reality! If we have the underlying belief of being wrong, what reality are we creating? The phenomenal reality of infinite possibility, or the ever-shrinking box of limitation, judgment and impossibility? Yeah, the second.

And, what if other people’s points of view don’t matter? What if we don’t make them real?

What if I don’t expect a certain outcome, making that outcome a necessity so that I can be right, finally? What if each and every application was a question for the universe? Like “What greater can I be and create here?” Do you get the space and motion that that creates? Rather than confinement and definement and waiting for the right answer? Using the tools from the telecall allowed me to not go into wrongness. It gave me the awareness of their choice with no judgment about it and no reaction, and also the awareness of what else I can choose.  And can just keep moving and create greater. (I might eventually even forget that I applied for something....)

I choose to choose greater from here! What truly is possible from the space of infinitely greater creation with ease and joy and the space of being?

There has been a lightness in my footprint ever since I chose that, ever since I chose me, and I wonder what this greater ease and joy of being will create for the future and for the kingdom of we?

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Access Consciousness® was founded by Gary Douglas, one of the most brilliant people on the planet. All the tools in this article are derived from Access Consciousness®. Read more about Access Consciousness® at www.AccessConsciousness.com.

Bettina 'Star-Rose' Madini is an artist, singer, speaker and an Access Consciousness® Certified Facilitator. Born in Berlin, Germany, she is currently living in the United States. Bettina’s paintings can be found in corporate and private collections in Europe, Australia and in the United States. She offers Painting workshops and facilitates Access Consciousness® Core Classes, internationally. To find Bettina’s classes and see her art work please visit:  www.BettinaStar-Rose.com.