The Beginning of a New Journey

As I sat with my intensity, not knowing where to go with that energy, as I sensed a crumbling of what I thought was me, a thunderstorm was building up.... Literally, not only in me but outside!

Distant thunder as I was digging in my garden, no gloves on! Pulling out grass that had happily stretched it's long roots into the garden beds!
No more of that!

Clearing out spaces around flowers and vegetables, in the gentle rain. Thunderstorm still building! Distant roaring.

It kept building, and I could only find mild relief in my own storm. Sweat running down my body, hands earthen, forget about my finger nails, I ran inside as the downpour came. Where do I go with all this energy?

Ah! I went into my studio, grabbed an easel and a canvas, got my oils, and in a wild motion poured out this painting. Fingers covered in oils on top of soils, I forgot everything around me. Thunder roaring and lightning flashing as I danced my dance of release.

Here it is. The beginning of a new journey on canvas. After two hours, I had the motion out! Let this be for a little, let it dry for a little! Give it space to breathe! It just came into the world.

I will dance with it some more.

In my nights so restless, in my days with tears of wonder, joy and release.

There is a reaching for something, a reaching for more! How to be that? Walls crumbling, what I thought was me, crumbling, crust open, insides out, outsides in, upsides down, wild, unleashed, sore space…. Of being…. Did I really come for that? Did I choose to be here for this? Yes, I did! How safe felt my chains, my walls and my pretenses? And, was it safe? Was it true? The illusion of safety…. The fairy tale story of the witch and the maiden, the good and the bad, the black and the white. What if this all isn’t true?

The space of being? …. So uncomfortable? …. So nothing I expected it to be?.... So wildly-open-unfathomable-no-reference-to-hold-on- all-including-not-defining-no-mind-full-ness-open-space? What do I create from this space? What do I choose now?

Looking back from the future where the storm of the new has calmed into dancing with ease with the molecules I can see the choice I made in the now. And it was beautiful. I can see it from the future. It was required as radical, bold, courageous and brilliant as it was. Not comfortable, yet when and where did I buy the lie of comfort as valuable when it would kill this beautiful planet Earth? Ha! What a concept! I smile as I look back. Earth is beautiful and alive! And we thrive with it!

Where do we go from here?

Highs .... and Lows

Yes, Highs…. And Lows….
More lows for me…. Yesterday…

This feels pretty much like ‘pants down’, and I am willing to be that energy and to speak out what I so resist to speak out!

HOW MUCH AM I JUDGING MYSELF CONSTANTLY??? How much am I mimicking everybody else’s reality with money and art? And how much do I use this to abuse me? Aaaahhh, this hurts!
What would it take for me to change this?

I also realize that I would like to generate and create much more money with my paintings!
I totally have decided that it is impossible for me to actualize 5K within 2 weeks, and that it is impossible with my art! And only with my classes…. And maybe not even with my classes! What? Hmmmm! I change this now!!!

What are the infinite possibilities for me to generate, create and actualize massive amounts of money within 2 weeks with everything I be and do?
I BE POWER
I BE CREATION
I BE CONTROL
I BE AWARENESS
I BE MONEY
(This is derived from the ""How to Become Money" workbook by Gary Douglas, which I am reading currently)

I choose this! I be this! What else can I be that I have never been before? What else can I choose that I have never chosen before?
What have I decided is impossible with business, my money, my reality, my finances, my currency, my cash flows and my paintings? What if that wasn't true?

I demand of myself to be the brilliance of me! All the time! And to go beyond whatever I thought was possible!

Something New - My first Video

Bettina's Space of Creation - Unfinished Or What?:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qknUaQ1OY4

I’ve been thinking about creating videos about how I am creating, what I am creating and inviting others into my space of creation!

I’ve never done a video, and I admit I got hung up in wanting to do it perfectly! Now I choose to let that go and just do it!

Here is a quote that got me going today:

“If you want what you’ve never had, do what you’ve never done!”

I choose to have and be more me than I’ve ever been before! I choose my phenomenal life, stepping out of my comfort zone and exposing ‘me’. The ‘me’ that is being …. me….

Here is what I can say about my process of creation which really is a space of creation! My first ‘selfie’ video, unedited me.

How can I be the space of me all the time? What else is possible that I have never considered? How can I be me with money and business? What do I know that I have not acknowledged that I know? That I know from when I paint and sing? 

Birth of the Jungle Goddess

"Jungle Goddess" by Bettina

I started the painting in Costa Rica earlier this year.

She came out of the blue there on the mountain top where we were renting our vacation cabin. Mountain river gargling, rocks singing their song, birds, snakes and coyotes. Far up from the jungle of the tropics she came to visit.

On crisp mornings she invited me to play with soft colors, pastel greens, yellows and blues. In the midday heat, together we brought in darker hues, layers of wet paint that would dry quickly and create magical shapes and forms within hours.

The look in her eyes had some sadness that made me curious. Patiently waiting for greater awareness on the planet her being talked silently of the song of creation.  Allowing for the space, being with the Earth and all creatures. What if nothing was the way I thought it was? What can I see that I have not acknowledged I can see? Perceive with all my senses what I have not been willing or able to perceive?

The story about the shaman who would walk to the beach each day comes to my memory. He would go to the beach and sit there each day. One day he noticed the patterns on the water to be different. He was intrigued by this and came back each day to observe and see what was so different and unusual. Until one day he would see Columbus’ ship.

What can I not see that is here just because it is so beyond this reality, so beyond that which I agreed to as being real? Where have we all blinded ourselves to fit into this reality? What else can I be aware of?

Her eyes showed more Joy in the process. A slight smile came upon her lips.

Seeing through the jungle. Being with the decay of my crumbling reality. Taken apart piece by piece the stones of my walls disappear to open my view to a space so full of life and possibilities … I breathe deeply, inhaling molecules that make my lungs dance. While my new friend holds me gently in her gaze, bewildering curls caressing my stretching body.

When thinking .... is gone ....! Day 8-10

A challenge for me these past days: When I am painting I forget about time, appointments, schedules, what my classes require, the organizational part of my creations, even driving somewhere. Thinking definitely is.... gone... I keep asking 'What's required here?', 'What question am I not asking?', 'What question can I ask that would change this?' It's even a challenge to get away from my easel! Yet I know other creations require my attention... 

It's like a new space of me that is so much bigger! Unfamiliar territory.... open... pieces of old walls.... I'm having a sensation of tumbling.... What is this? Is it confusion? No. Is it more of me showing up? Yes. How can I have ease with this? My body is showing me intensity in my stomach.... Am I falling or.... am I flying? Hey, creations, what contribution can I be to you today? What contribution can you be to each other? Oh, that brings lightness! What else is possible from here?

When I try to stop me, that might be when I am aware of others trying to stop me and thinking it's mine.... and judging me and thinking it's my judgment.... When I'm aware of the confusion of the world about what creation is and thinking it's mine.... What if I used all this twisted stuff that this reality is made of and used all this energy FOR me?

What am I aware of that I'm not willing to be aware of? What would it take for me to express more capacities and to create more dynamically than ever before, while simultaneously being totally aware of what is required, with great ease?

And, what if......... Could it be that nothing of this is mine?

 

More Intensity by the Minute – And Now What? - Day 7

 "Portal to the Temple of Light" by Bettina, 2003

Is this just a ‘phase’, I’m wondering, or a new space, ? I’m experiencing more and more intensity by the minute, by the second! It’s different, though, from the intensity that I’ve known before.

I remember when I was a flamenco dancer. And we talked about the 'genie' a couple of days ago in our group. When I was dancing flamenco I got pretty obsessed with it. I was dancing day and night, tapping rhythms that magnetically drew me into a universe of music, stories and emotions. I couldn’t get rhythms out of my head. I loved it, and, at the same time, it got too much! I was so caught up in it that I neglected other things such as college exams (that I then failed…), relationships and also food. I would wake  up in the middle of the night counting rhythms, repeating choreographies!!!

In the flamenco world, they give this entity a name: El Duende. It is the one that takes over the dancer into a trance, into the most magnificent improvisation that leaves everybody speechless where you hear a needle drop on the floor.

I met ‘El Duende’, and I experienced this intensity. There is no time, there is no thought, it is being oneness with the music and the energy. Then, I only saw two choices: either go for it a hundred percent, or not at all. There was no middle path, not with me! I couldn’t just do it a little bit. I stopped dancing… And the dance followed me…

Before I continue, let me back up a little to give you the full story!

It started on a warm summer night in a movie theater in Berlin. I went on my own and remember sitting there in a completely sold out theater in anticipation of what was to come: “Carmen” with Antonio Gades and Christina Hoyos, and Antonio’s group. I was not only pinned to my seat the entire time, but also glued to the screen, heart racing, fascinated…. I left the movie with one thought: “I have to find this and do this!”

It took me about a week to find what I desired…. I found out that Berlin had an amazing flamenco scene with then two professional schools. Later, a third one opened. It might be even more by now.

I started taking classes and was soon totally emerged in my new ‘hobby’! Over time, I added another and another day to my training schedule. I went to classes, trained with others in old, half abandoned houses in eerie areas of the city, houses with no heat, old hardwood floors and broken mirrors. Yet, we had our tape recorder and recordings, and that’s all that we needed… to dance…

Pretty soon, I went to two schools, danced 5 times a week and seriously considered a flamenco dance program. Which in the end I didn’t choose. It became a big part of my life, though, and sucked me in!

After college, I got hired by IBM in Stuttgart and left Berlin. In the corporate world of Big Blue, I worked long hours and had much to learn in a very multifaceted job. It didn’t take me long, and I found a group of semi professional dancers in the surrounding area of Stuttgart, and guess what, I joined and thought ‘Oh, I give it a try! Just a bit here and there!’... Yeah, right! There it was again! Same scenario. Soon, I would be considering performing again. And, once again, I backed off of the intensity, like from a fire that was too hot for me to ‘handle’ it! A fire that would burn and consume me to ashes.

My next move took me to Luxembourg. I was hired to build up a new bank with a team from Germany. I was a multilingual financial advisor and portfolio manager, with international clients all over Europe. It took about a year, and there it was: a flamenco school, in Luxembourg! Now, Luxembourg is not what I would call a metropolis. It is really a small city, yet the international population that the banking sector attracted made for some cultural colorings that would give room for more exotic expressions. Well, I called the school and off I was for classes. Just taking a couple of hours here and there... Soon, the owner of the school asked me whether I wanted to teach. I already trained again 3 times a week. And ‘El Duende’ had me! Aaarrgghhh! The rhythms. The ruffles, the bodies, the music, counter rhythms that had me in their enchanting vortex! Isolation techniques that outran the brain! Counting one rhythm with the feet and a different one with the hands, while moving the right side of the body forward and the left foot spiraling up for the llamada, the potent call. Hmmmmm….

I couldn’t give it all up for living that life. Body hurting from hitting hard wood floors with nail covered heels and soles…. I left it behind, never talking to the owner again.

And, you know, this thing comes without me thinking about it. Out of the blue... So, many years later, having moved to the US, I was in Madison, Wisconsin. Wandering on State Street on a beautiful summer day. Barely visible, only from the corner of my eye, I noticed a sign in the doorway next to the Gap store saying “Flamenco”. I walked past. The picture was captivatingly black and white. Reminded me of “Carmen”, the incredible movie …

So, here I was in Madison, Wisconsin. It’s an hour drive from my home to get there, and I went. Just to ‘sniff a little bit’. Oooh, is it a drug? Hmmmm…. I went regularly for some time. Then, they invited me to perform with the ensemble. I started thinking about what color dress I could get made, where to find some cool fabric, not black but colorful and different. And it took over! There is just no middle way. It is either or.

Now , I wonder, how many lifetimes did I have where I was living that? It truly is not just a hobby, a ‘pass time’, not for me. It is a life. Is it the gipsy in me?

The energy is daunting. The rhythm is mine. Some of the energies and emotions that come with it, such as the suffering and drama of the stories, the heavy lamentos, the sternness of facial expressions as a ‘must’, jealousy, vendetta, submission and fight are not fun for me. And, certainly, ‘El Duende’ has some traits of character that don’t really work for me….

In the end, I have it in my being. And I wonder, how could I live it in a joyful way, my way, that would be so beyond this reality and so ease-filled and light?

The intensity that I’m experiencing now is so different and so light. There is no entity taking me over. No possession. There is co-creation. I create with beings, in communion and respect. They hold me and are kind to me, they are grateful and patient. They don’t eat me. They help me grow.

How can I have and be more of that?

Magic of a Rainy Today - Day 6

Gentle, big raindrops caressing the stone. A massage for my being.

Body softening, expansion so easy.

I love using memories from when I was living in Berlin and walking the streets on a rainy day, with my umbrella. There is something about rain hitting the pavement, hitting the umbrella with such kindness! I do use the kindness of rain so much in my being! When I cannot sleep, I go back in time to those days or nights of walking Berlin's streets in the rain with my umbrella. I slow down, smile and fall asleep!

During my years in the corporate world, rain always came to solace and relax me. I remember Sunday’s with thunderstorms. In some apartments that I lived in I had awnings over parts of the decks. With the sound of the first thunder, all excited in total anticipation, I would unfold the lawn chair underneath the awning, would make a cup of tea, get blankets and pillows and snuggle up underneath my roof. At times, I would fall asleep, mostly staying awake, though, ‘in the zone’. I would expand out and be. No thoughts, no words, just the experience of breathing body, the other worlds so much more palpable. I could just be and breathe. I would be there forever, hours floating by, without moving. I had goose bumps, and shivers of pleasure rolling across my skin. No need for food. The rain and the thunder were my nourishment.

I go back in time to my grandmother’s garden. My sister and I spent our days there with her while my parents were working. What a blessing this was for me. In the midst of Berlin, there was this oasis. She had a little cottage, we call it ‘Laube’ in German. They can be as cute as it can be! My grandfather had built it at the end of World war II, so they could find some peace during this crazy time and also grow some fruit and vegetables there for my mother who was a little child then. The cottage was simple and tiny, and it was my paradise. The toilet was a compost toilet in a small separate room which had it’s own charm, smells, tools, and sometimes thick big black spiders sitting on the walls luring for a fly.  When it rained, my grandma, my aunt, my sister and I would gather in the small dining/living room and just lie down on the benches and pillows while the rain fell with big blobs onto the roof. Oh, I loved it! It appeased my being.  I got even quieter than I already was. Could I just stay here, please?

Many years later, I was living in Luxembourg.  I remember a Sunday, when it was gently raining all day long.  Gentle rain fogs covered the fields next to my house. The sky was hanging low and my hair would curl and frizzle while I sat on my deck, kept dry by an overhang. I had one of my crystals in my hands, a beautiful elestial quartz, just the right size for holding it and feeling it’s presence fill my body and being. So easy to expand during the rain. I sat there for the longest time, stress and demands from my challenging job forgotten, like a distant, abstract memory. I expanded out so much that I didn’t sense the ‘edges’ of my body any more. I was space. I was everything. No confinement, no separation. It changed me forever.

“Rain, gently falling, gently caressing my forehead, touching strains of my hair, gliding them softly though transparent fingers the way only the kindest, nurturing lover would. Hey rain, my lover! Would you like to dance with me, hold me, swirl me? Delicious skin bare, threads wet, body smooth, ivory warmness of a joyful smile.

Yes, he says!”