"Portal to the Temple of Light" by Bettina, 2003
Is this just a ‘phase’, I’m wondering, or a new space, ? I’m
experiencing more and more intensity by the minute, by the second!
It’s different, though, from the intensity that I’ve known
before.
I remember when I was a flamenco dancer. And we talked about
the 'genie' a couple of days ago in our group. When I was dancing flamenco I got
pretty obsessed with it. I was dancing day and night, tapping rhythms that
magnetically drew me into a universe of music, stories and emotions. I couldn’t
get rhythms out of my head. I loved it, and, at the same time, it got too much!
I was so caught up in it that I neglected other things such as college exams
(that I then failed…), relationships and also food. I would wake up in the middle of the night counting
rhythms, repeating choreographies!!!
In the flamenco world, they give this entity a name: El
Duende. It is the one that takes over the dancer into a trance, into the most
magnificent improvisation that leaves everybody speechless where you hear a
needle drop on the floor.
I met ‘El Duende’, and I experienced this intensity. There
is no time, there is no thought, it is being oneness with the music and the
energy. Then, I only saw two choices: either go for it a hundred percent, or
not at all. There was no middle path, not with me! I couldn’t just do it a
little bit. I stopped dancing… And the dance followed me…
Before I continue, let me back up a little to give you the
full story!
It started on a warm summer night in a movie theater in
Berlin. I went on my own and remember sitting there in a completely sold out
theater in anticipation of what was to come: “Carmen” with Antonio Gades and Christina Hoyos, and Antonio’s group. I was not only pinned to my
seat the entire time, but also glued to the screen, heart racing, fascinated….
I left the movie with one thought: “I have to find this and do this!”
It took me about a week to find what I desired…. I found out
that Berlin had an amazing flamenco scene with then two professional schools.
Later, a third one opened. It might be even more by now.
I started taking classes and was soon totally emerged in my
new ‘hobby’! Over time, I added another and another day to my training
schedule. I went to classes, trained with others in old, half abandoned houses
in eerie areas of the city, houses with no heat, old hardwood floors and broken
mirrors. Yet, we had our tape recorder and recordings, and that’s all that we
needed… to dance…
Pretty soon, I went to two schools, danced 5 times a week
and seriously considered a flamenco dance program. Which in the end I didn’t
choose. It became a big part of my life, though, and sucked me in!
After college, I got hired by IBM in Stuttgart and left
Berlin. In the corporate world of Big Blue, I worked long hours and had
much to learn in a very multifaceted job. It didn’t take me long, and I found a
group of semi professional dancers in the surrounding area of Stuttgart, and guess what, I joined and thought ‘Oh, I
give it a try! Just a bit here and there!’... Yeah, right! There it was again!
Same scenario. Soon, I would be considering performing again. And, once again,
I backed off of the intensity, like from a fire that was too hot for me to
‘handle’ it! A fire that would burn and consume me to ashes.
My next move took me to Luxembourg. I was hired to build up
a new bank with a team from Germany. I was a multilingual financial advisor and
portfolio manager, with international clients all over Europe. It took about a
year, and there it was: a flamenco school, in Luxembourg! Now, Luxembourg is not
what I would call a metropolis. It is really a small city, yet the
international population that the banking sector attracted made for some
cultural colorings that would give room for more exotic expressions. Well, I called
the school and off I was for classes. Just taking a couple of hours here and
there... Soon, the owner of the school asked me whether I wanted to teach. I
already trained again 3 times a week. And ‘El Duende’ had me! Aaarrgghhh! The
rhythms. The ruffles, the bodies, the music, counter rhythms that had me in
their enchanting vortex! Isolation techniques that outran the brain! Counting
one rhythm with the feet and a different one with the hands, while moving the
right side of the body forward and the left foot spiraling up for the llamada,
the potent call. Hmmmmm….
I couldn’t give it all up for living that life. Body hurting
from hitting hard wood floors with nail covered heels and soles…. I left it
behind, never talking to the owner again.
And, you know, this thing comes without me thinking about
it. Out of the blue... So, many years later, having moved to the US, I was in Madison, Wisconsin. Wandering on State
Street on a beautiful summer day. Barely visible, only from the corner of my
eye, I noticed a sign in the doorway next to the Gap store saying “Flamenco”. I
walked past. The picture was captivatingly black and white. Reminded me of
“Carmen”, the incredible movie …
So, here I was in Madison, Wisconsin. It’s an hour drive from
my home to get there, and I went. Just to ‘sniff a little bit’. Oooh, is it a
drug? Hmmmm…. I went regularly for some time. Then, they invited me to perform
with the ensemble. I started thinking about what color dress I could get made,
where to find some cool fabric, not black but colorful and different. And it
took over! There is just no middle way. It is either or.
Now , I wonder, how many lifetimes did I have where I was
living that? It truly is not just a hobby, a ‘pass time’, not for me. It is a
life. Is it the gipsy in me?
The energy is daunting. The rhythm is mine. Some of the
energies and emotions that come with it, such as the suffering and drama of the
stories, the heavy lamentos, the sternness of facial expressions as a ‘must’, jealousy,
vendetta, submission and fight are not fun for me. And, certainly, ‘El Duende’
has some traits of character that don’t really work for me….
In the end, I have it in my being. And I wonder, how could I
live it in a joyful way, my way, that would be so beyond this reality and so
ease-filled and light?
The intensity that I’m experiencing now is so different and
so light. There is no entity taking me over. No possession. There is co-creation.
I create with beings, in communion and respect. They hold me and are kind to
me, they are grateful and patient. They don’t eat me. They help me grow.
How can I have and be more of that?
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